The Lotus Exhume
by Troumvirate
Summary: This is the story that is about Ron going to Japan and fulfilling his destiny.


Ever since Ron-san got zapped by the four monkey idol-samas in Monkey Fist-kun's lair he had become a badass-san. Like, a really bad badass-san. Thanks to his never-ending Naco-sama royalty checks he was able to buy a lot of stuff like a brand new motorcycle-chan and an entire wardrobe-san of black clothes-kun. Ron-san likes to dress like a badass-san and lament the fact that he was never worthy of Kim-san so he goes and improves himself by becoming a gourmet chef-san, the most powerful martial artist-kun in the world-san, learning to speak Japanese fluently and making every girl who had never even glanced at him want to sleep with him. Suddenly everyone like Bonnie-san, Tara-san, and the rest of the cheer squad-kun want his dick-chan. Like really x 2 want it.

Then his dad-chan put the rest of his deus ex machina money-kun in a bank account-san so Ron-san couldn't blow it like he did last time. Now Ron-san-san will always have money-kun forever. Money-kun is very useful in advancing the plot-san in ways that just couldn't be done without it.

So now he has a motorcycle-chan, a sword-kun and supernatural powers-sama. So it was time for him to go around and kick everyone-san's ass who had given him trouble over the years.

He saw Brick Flagg-san and decided that he would be the first. Of course Ron-san would never start a fight. He waited patiently for Brick-san and the rest of the jock-sans to come up to him and give him a hard time. That's when he struck.

"Hey loser-san," Brick-san said. "Give me your lunch money-kun and your motorcycle-chan. You're too much of a losery loser-san to ride such a sweet ride-chan."

Ron-san-san was not pleased. Some part of him flashed blue because that's what Mystical Monkey Power does when he's about to use it. "No, Brick-san. It is about time I taught you and your goon-sans a lesson."

So Ron-san beat the crap out of them. He did it easily too. It took absolutely no effort on his part. He just took on like five guys at once without getting hit or breaking a sweat. He got back on his motorcycle-chan and saw Yori-kun jump from out of a bush-san.

"Ah!" he screamed despite his total badassness. Deep down he's still a nerd-san because he can't lose his essential Ron-sanness.

"我々はすぐに日本に旅行する必要があります", Yori-kun said.

"Okay let's go."

So Ron-san and Yori-kun went back to Japan because she said that Sensei-sama-sensei-senpai-san-sama-kun found some artifacts that were only important to him and Monkey Fist-kun. And since Ron-san was the Chosen One-chan and Master of Monkey Kung Fu-sama and all that stuff, it was his job to do all of this even if he really doesn't want to.

So they got to the place where the things were. There was an old sunken Spanish galleon that had been Hernán Cortés-san's flagship-san off the coast of Japan. Inside it contained many Mystical Monkey Power item-sans.

"あなたは水中に飛び込んで、項目〔商品〕を取り戻さなければなりません", Yori-kun instructed him.

So Ron-san dove in and swam to the bottom of the ocean-san. It was there that he found Monkey Fist-kun already at the ship-san!

"You stupid fool pretender-san!" Monkey Fist-kun yelled. "The power will be mine!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it, monkey man-kun," Ron-san told him.

So the two fought underwater for an hour and they were both evenly matched. Eventually though Monkey Fist-kun made a snide remark about Kim-san that got Ron-san really angry. Like, really x 2 angry. So Ron-san went full monkey power or whatever and then easily beat Monkey Fist-kun because whenever Ron-san gets really really mad he turns on his serious face and dominates whoever he's fighting.

Then Ron-san got the Mystical Monkey Power item-sans and returned to the surface-san. Yori-kun was waiting for him.

"私はあなた(ロン)を愛しています。私をあなたの妻にしてくださいそれで私たちが多くの秘儀秘伝の猿力の選ばれた赤ちゃんが生まれることができます。" Yori-kun told him.

"I am sorry, Yori-kun. But I only love Kim-san," he said.

"しかしあなたの運命です！"

"Oh. In that case, okay. I would hate to piss off destiny in a bunch of stuff that I do not know about, care about, or believe in. Let us go and be ninjas for the rest of our lives."

And so Ron-san stayed in Japan with Yori-kun and lived happily ever after even though Tai Sheng Pek Kwar, aka Monkey Kung Fu is a Chinese martial art. And Yori-kun later murdered Kim-san ninja-style because she didn't want to even risk Ron-san falling back in love with her. Plus in alternate pairing fics something bad has to happen to Kim-san if she's not portrayed as being a bitch. So people normally kill off Kim-san to take the effortless, no-brainer route of getting their preferred ship together without actually putting any thought into their plot.

The end.


End file.
